I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
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