I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
