It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
WHAT KIND OF DEALER ONLY WORKS FRI-SUN???
Ours, apparently.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
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