he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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