Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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