Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Randomize
