I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She bit a glass in half.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize