I just peed in my kitchenbs sinlk. New low- maybe. am i embarrassed? Not in the least
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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