Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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