It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize