Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize