3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
