Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Randomize
