I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Semen is not good for contacts.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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