dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
