she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
