you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
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