Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
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