I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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