you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
