You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
