im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
