Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
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