someone threw a dead crab at me
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
