dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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