I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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