guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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