i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
