Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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