It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
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