Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
