Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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