why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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