after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
