Betty ford says i'm here all night
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
