hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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