i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
