how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
