I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
