Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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