Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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