Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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