I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize