God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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