you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
