Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize