if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Please tell me there is not a bookmark on your browser with the title "Christmas Porn"
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Randomize
