so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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