fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
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