There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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