i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
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