JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
