I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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