She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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