cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
I AM VODKA MAN
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Randomize
