i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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