So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
