I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
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