I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Randomize
