I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
