You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
