You're completely useless in the revolution.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
