I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
