he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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